This is Your Phone Speaking – ABOUT YOU

“My phone died on me…….”

I hear a horrified statement from an executive, who sounded as if he was marooned on an island with no help in sight. Power banks, one-minute chargers have all been invented to prevent these shocking ‘deaths’, that throws a sane person totally out of gear. Sure, there is an ancient relic on the desk, called the ‘landline’, which draws power from an electrical point, but what about the numbers, the messages, the web connectivity? Anyway  ….

The cell-phone is a fundamental need, at the base of the pyramid of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. But, what you like doing with it, gives away a lot about your personality traits. Be Aware !

1. The Web-Surfing Addicts

I confess to being one of them. Long telephone calls are considered to be a disturbance, which keep them away from the web or apps, or whatever catches their internet fancy. Also, a written message makes far more sense, than a long conversation.

2. The Compulsive Callers 

They just need to speak to say whatever they have in mind, and at a time convenient to them. Messaging and email platforms are considered to be inadequate forums for expression. They may be too lazy to type, or think that it takes too much time.

There may be a lurking fear of commitment, or of putting things in black and white. It is easier to retract a spoken word. The internet does not forget anything, even if it is a deleted message.

You might catch yourself stuttering to get across, with great difficulty

“But…. Please, Can I call you back later ? I am in the midst of something”.

They do not give you the space to speak.

3. The Control Freaks

The phone is always in silent mode. They do not take calls even if they are free, and reserve the right to return the calls as per their choice and convenience. The message is ‘You would better know who is the boss out here…. ’

4. The Stuffed Shirts

One often hears them saying

‘ ASK HIM TO CALL ME.’

When the other person does, the ubiquitous reply is

‘ I am busy now. Call me after half an hour.’

Then, they address the person facing them,

‘Oh! So-and-so (name dropped) has been trying to speak to me for hours. I have just been tied up so much.’

And so on ….

Only people crawling on their knees to talk, can satisfy their bloated egos (or fill up the massive emptiness inside). All others prefer sending a mail or message, rather than speak to these pompous perverts.

5. The Trumpet-Blowers

They pick up the phone, and take off on a self-glorifying spree, as soon as they spot an unsuspecting victim, in the vicinity. Their business achievements, details of their net worth, the power and popularity they enjoy, the luxurious lifestyle and latest conquests are all flaunted, while the hapless listener waits to start the actual conversation.

You may not be surprised to discover that there was nobody at the other end. And the Trumpet-Blower does not realize that only his/her hollowness has been exposed.

6. The Bull Horns

The volume of their conversation is loud enough for half the office to hear, and only God knows why they need to pace up and down the corridor, while doing that.

Their power battles and kids’ howlers are all laid out for public consumption.

7. The Annoying Attendees

These are the obnoxious participants in conference calls. They forget to press the ‘Mute’ button before taking a call on the cell, or ‘accidentally’ put the entire call on hold and go out for a walk.

I have seen a top executive taking his aunt’s call to enquire about his welfare, in between a call, where he was introducing a new incentive scheme. If you happen to be on a social media website, or care to check the time later, you find some of them ‘liking’ girlie pics, while the call is in progress.

‘Who cares about conference calls? They take up more than half of your office hours’ is the implicit message.

8. The Escapists

They call you for a discussion, and then, refuse to take their eyes off the bewitching LCD screen. They walk through hallways and sidewalks with hunched shoulders, averting eye contact with any human being in a physical shape. The virtual people are always a safer bet.

9. Text Messages Only

I came across a rant from a consultant this morning, whose client responded as follows :

‘Sorry, I did not hear the ring. Actually, you are the only one who calls me’.

The consultant confessed to feeling as old as the Egyptian Pyramids, and just managed to mumble,

‘No worries. It was just to inform that I am on my way to see you’.

This was perhaps a clash between two personality types.

10. The Well-Mannered

This is the only agreeable species.

They do not take calls between a conversation, except with an “Excuse me, this is urgent’, and then keep it as short as possible.

If they are busy, they return calls with a ‘In a meeting. Will call you later’ message, and then, actually call back.

They respond to all messages, whether it is an ‘Okay’ to acknowledge receipt, or the expected action to be taken.

They close the door before embarking on a private or sensitive conversation.

They inform the person at the other end that s/he is on speakerphone, and who else is on the call, before switching it on.

So, hold that thing tight in your palm. Lest it spills out all the beans.